Executive Summary: Recovering from alcoholism, eating disorders, and childhood fame, Jennette McCurdy writes a cutting memoir of her experience acting on the Nickelodeon show iCarly under the complicated, overbearing tutelage of her late mother, Debra.
Star Rating: I wanted this to be a five star read. I really wanted it to be a four star read. It feels callous to even rate someone’s life experience on a five star scale at all. This, however, landed at three stars for me. Jennette’s childhood was far from idyllic - often abjectly disturbing to read about. My wish is that this book was cathartic for her and that she finds continued healing and success as an independent young woman. I think she wants to market this as a “comedy” but I could not find the humor within its pages.
Content Warning: Jennette unabashedly recalls her experiences with eating disorders, alcoholism, emotional and sexual abuse, and toxic work environments. She also recounts grisly details of losing a loved one to cancer. There’s no content warning within the pages themselves. If these topics are upsetting, I would skip. I would rate this R. She has a tendency to recount her sexual experiences with a jarring degree of clinical detail that is graphic without being erotic.
Review: I remember watching iCarly as a young girl. I’m only a few years younger than Jennette, in fact. Carly and Sam would get into wild shenanigans on Carly’s internet talk show. It was a wild show and always guaranteed a fun time. I was not obsessed, though, with the show.
After reading this memoir, I now question if it is acceptable to have children perform for others’ entertainment. Jennette’s childhood is a many-layered, multifaceted tour de force of trauma. Her family struggled to make ends meet before Jennette ever cinched the role of Sam Puckett on iCarly. After that, she was a teenager paying the bills for her entire family. This, however, is a much later development in the McCurdy household.
See, her mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer when Jennette was two years old. Miraculously, the cancer went into remission shortly thereafter. Jennette’s mother, Debra, though, would have the children rewatch home videos of the time during her treatment and critique her children’s emotional response to her having cancer. This recounting is early in the pages of Jennette’s book. Within two or three chapters, the meaning behind the book’s title is easily gleaned by the reader. At the ripe age of six, Jennette recalls feeling the responsibility for both her mother’s happiness and her health.
When Debra insists that it’s Jennette’s wish to be an actress? “Of course, Mommy.”
When Debra insists that Jennette start restricting calories to stay small and childlike for longer? “Of course, Mommy.”
When Debra insists that Jennette’s paychecks are necessary to maintain the family home? “Of course, Mommy.”
When Debra insists on showering Jennette - with her teenage brother - and performing vaginal and breast exams on her until she is sixteen? “Of course.”
If Jennette ever refused something of her mother, Debra would fly off into a blind rage, spewing violent threats and vitriolic epithets.
As I said above, this was a difficult read.
Around page 230 (of 310), Jennette seeks therapy, ostensibly for her eating disorders. She is also struggling with alcoholism. She is also ignoring the complex grief she feels at the loss of her mother and the meaning of their relationship. I was glad to know that she, at the age of 22, was reaching out to get help. She is now 31 and, I hope, in a much more stable place.
My main accolade for this book is that Jennette does not pull any punches. Her childhood is horrifying to read about - let alone to live. I was bitter and resentful towards Jennette’s mother throughout the reading of this. However, it is clear that Jennette truly loved her mother. It is also evident that Debra was suffering from severe mental illness as well. A wrenching moment in the memoir is when Jennette learns that her mother was having a years long affair and that Mark McCurdy is not actually Jennette’s biological father. Her entire life up to that point had been a carefully constructed lie - a character constructed by her mother’s influence, or the influence of a children’s television network.
I’m also unsurprised that Nickelodeon offered her $300,000 to not speak about her experience at the network. I’m proud of Jennette for refusing it.
Let freedom ring.